Whiner Takes All/Transcript
Brent Leroy: OK, aim for the Snickers bar. Make sure your shoulders line up or you'll slice it into the chips. Lacey Burrows: Yeah, I'm trying to avoid the soda hazard. Brent: OK, keep your head down, shoulders straight, now relax... Hank Yarbo: Hey! What's going on? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Don't tell me you're taking tips from him. He's got loseritus. I beat him every time. Lacey: And what would your advice be? Hank: Not to listen to Loserzilla. If he were a super hero, he'd be Loserman, and his super power would be losing. Lacey: Clever. Hank: If you were a rock concert, you'd be Loserpalooza or ah, Lollapaloser. Oh no, Loserpaloozer. Hah? What, I don't see you coming up with any. Brent: Well, why would I... Hank: Loser say what? Brent: Yea, hmm, hmm, reh? Hank: What? Lacey: I think he said, "loser say what?" Hank: What? Anyway, I think you guys get my point. Emma Leroy: I can't spend another night in this bed. Oscar Leroy: Hey, you're the one that made the bean salad. Emma: No, this mattress is like a brick. I think we should go shopping for a new bed. Oscar: Well, I'm not going. Remember what happened last time? Oscar: Help, Emma! Bed Salesman: Should I help him? Emma: No, he'll take you down with him. Emma: You're right. I'll go alone. Hank: See ya later, losers. Wooo! Lacey: Is Hank always this cocky when it comes to golf? Brent: Yeah, I'm kinda used to it, 'cause I've been letting him win for years. And I would appreciate it if you did too. Lacey: What, let him win? Why would I do that? Brent: There's only one thing worse than Hank calling you a loser and that's Hank being a loser. Well specifically, at golf. When Hank loses, he starts to whine and, and it's terrible. Actually, terrible doesn't even do it justice, it's hellacious. Lacey: I am not losing on purpose. I've heard Hank whine. Brent: You've never heard his golf whine, it's like... Hank: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah! Lacey: OK, I get it. Brent: Actually, I don't think you do, it like... Hank: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah! Brent: OK, that last one was more of a shriek, but you get my drift. Wanda Dollard: Hey Davis. Whatcha doin', writing in your diary? Davis Quinton: I don't have a diary, I have a journal and that's a totally different thing. Even though it has a lock on it, like a diary. But it's a journal. Wanda: OK. So, who's getting the ticket? Davis: Sorry, but you're in violation. Wanda: What? This is angle parking. I parked it at angle. Davis: Don't think I don't appreciate the effort. Lloyd: Can I help you? Emma: Yes, I'm looking for a bed that won't turn my back into a pretzel. Lloyd: Wow, attractive and a great sense of humour. How 'bout this one? Deluxe, dual, slumber-matic with thirty positions and a sooth-a-pedic mattress. It's the Cadillac of beds. Emma: Ha, unfortunately, I've got a hatchback for a husband. Lloyd: Well, he's lucky to have an exotic, European-looking model such as yourself. Emma: Do you think all this flirting and flattery works? Lloyd: Not with a smart, attractive woman like you. Emma: When can you deliver it? Wanda: C'mon, you don't really want to give me a ticket. Huh, what do you say I buy you lunch, huh? You can tell me more about your, um, journal. Davis: Thanks for lunch. Wanda: Hmm. Oscar: How come you bought Davis lunch? You never buy me lunch. Wanda: If you had the power to give parking tickets, I'd buy you lunch too. Actually, if it was you I'd probably just pay the ticket. Oscar: Oh, I see what you're doing. Greasing some pockets, lining the pole. Lacey: You know, you can mangle your metaphors all you want but a bribe is a bribe. It gets shifty and underhanded. Oscar: The world's a dirty place, Lacey. Things happen, things you don't want to know about. Money changes hands, people look the other way, cats go missing. Wanda: I don't totally agree with Tony Soprano here but, um, what's the harm in keeping their bellies full and their minds empty. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, cops are so stupid. Lacey: What do you think, Karen? Karen: I don't know about stupid but ah, their hearings pretty good. Brent: Ooo, lucky shot, eh, Hank? Maybe we should call her "Lucky Lacey." Lacey: Hey, luck had nothing to do with that. Hank: You know what I'd like to call her. Lacey: "Loser Lacey?" Hank: Maybe. No. Lemme just show you how this is done. Brent: Wow, excellent shot Hank. I'm just trying to encourage him. You know, to avoid the... Hank: Aaaaaaah! Lacey: OK, I get it. Karen: So, why did Wanda buy you lunch yesterday? Davis: I lost a bet. Karen: Really? What bet? Davis: She bet me that if she bought me lunch that I wouldn't give her a parking ticket. Karen: That's bribery. Everyone's laughing about it at the Ruby. Davis: Yeah, well the joke's on them 'cause I got a free lunch. How's laughing now? Karen: Not me. Davis: Let me explain it to you again. Lacey: Wow, I'm having a pretty good game today, huh? Brent: A little too good. Lacey: Oh, you're just upset because you're afraid I might win. Hey Hank, can you see the scorecard? Or maybe you need a little loser eye surgery? Ha, ha! Hank: It's pronounced "laser." Oscar: Emma, where are ya? Emma: Check it out. Oscar: How are you doing that? Emma: With the remote. Oscar: I didn't know it did that. I thought it only changed channels. Emma: No, a remote for the bed. Oscar: I knew that. This bed has too many doodads. Look at all these doodads. What's that doodad do? Mother of pearl, it's vibrating! Ha, ha. Wanda: Whoa, whoa! What's the problem? This angle is perfect. I used a protractor. Karen: Loose hubcap. Could fly off while you're driving. Take someone's head clean off. Wanda: That happen a lot? Karen: Pfft! Anyway, big ticket. Wanda: You know, you and I never get a chance to talk that much anymore. Karen: Why don't you buy me breakfast tomorrow and we can talk about it? Wanda: Actually, why don't I buy you breakfast tomorrow and I...oh, ah. All right then. Hank: Please miss this shot. Please miss this shot. Please miss this shot. Please miss this shot. Please miss this shot. Lacey: Can you believe this guy? Brent: Please miss this shot. Please miss this shot. Please miss this shot. Please miss this shot. Ah-ha, ha, ha! Lacey: What did you do that for? Brent: Believe me, I'm saving you from yourself. Hank: Oh, ho, ho. It's like my old granddaddy used to say, it, "there's two kinds of people in this world, losers and those who lose to losers." And my friends, you just lost to me. Ah, ha, ha, ha. Emma: I think I'm gonna spend a lot of wonderful nights in this bed. Lloyd: We sure are, you sexy thing. Emma: Oh! Oscar: Morning sunshine! What a great sleep I had. First, I was in position seven, then I switched to nine. That nine was quite a ride. Emma: I didn't sleep very well at all. Oscar: Did you try position nine? Emma: This bed has too many gizmos and gadgets. Oscar: Doodads, but I hear you. Emma: So, what would you like for breakfast, Lloyd? Oscar: Hmm? Who's Lloyd? Emma: What? I said Oscar, what did you think I said? Oscar: I thought you said "Lloyd." Emma: Lloyd? Who the heck is Lloyd? Oscar: I don't know. Emma: Well then why'd you ask? Oscar: Geez, what a grouch. Hey, let's have eggs in bed. And don't bother scrambling them, we'll get the bed to do it. Wanda: Ah, so, we're all squared up. Karen: Yep. I'm full, you paid for my breakfast and here's your parking ticket. Wanda: What? I thought we had an understanding? Karen: Yeah. You think cops are stupid and I don't. Wanda: Course you don't think they're stupid. You're too stupid to know they're stupid. Karen: What was that? Wanda: What, are you deaf too? Oh, nothing. Oscar: Dear Slumbermatic bed people. I have been having the best sleeps because of your bed. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying this, but setting nine is my favourite. Come in. Oh, I guess I should say that out loud. Come in. Emma: Hello, Oscar, my husband. I brought you some soup. Oscar: Why? What did you do? Emma: Nothing. I, I just thought I'd make you a little gift. Oscar: It's not a gift, it's just soup. Emma: Still, I think you deserve it. Just you, no one else, just you. Oscar: Gotta go, my soup is here. P.S., it's tomato. Brent: Ahem. Lacey: Oh, is that a real cough or are you just trying to screw up my pouring? Brent: Neither, it's an "I know you're ignoring me" cough. Look, you'd make it easier on yourself if you just pretended to play badly, like me. Lacey: OK, so you weren't really playing badly? Because it looked like sucking came naturally to you. Brent: Yeah, well it looked like being a stubborn smugy-smug cam naturally to you, smugo. Lacey: D'oh, look at me. I'm a spineless guy who doesn't win because he's afraid my friend might whine. Brent: OK, this is stupid, we shouldn't be fighting like this. Lacey: You know what? I agree. Let's settle this on the golf course where I can open up a can of whoop-arse. Brent: I accept your clumsy attempt at a foul-mouthed challenge. But mark my words, when it comes to golf, I've got game. Brent: All right, time to lay down a little smoke. Lacey: You mean smoke off your worm burner. Brent: I thought we were playing golf, not going to the beach. You want a towel? How about an umbrella? Can I get you some sunscreen? 'Cause you see what I'm going for is you're in a sand trap and there's a lot of sand at the beach. Lacey: I don't know what's more embarrassing, your insults or your game. Brent: Maybe neither of them is more embarrassing, so there. Damn, where did my game go? Lacey: Maybe your game is beach volleyball. Say hi to Hasselhoff for me. Do you see where I'm going there? David Hasselhoff, you know, he played a lifeguard that worked at the beach. Ah, anyway, I won! Woo-hoo! Wanda: So I buy her breakfast and she gives me the ticket anyways. Davis: Eggs or pancakes? Wanda: Doesn't matter, does it? I mean, if it matters, eggs on top of pancakes. So, she definitely should have ripped up the ticket. Davis: Thought I trained her better than that. Guess I could try talking to her. Get her to fix the ticket. You know if uh... Davis: I have three scrambled eggs wrapped in a pancake. Davis: Oh, hi Karen. I'm just doing some shredding. Sure is fun, but I'm all out of stuff to shred. Hey, why don't you pass me your ticket book, we'll shred some stuff in that. Karen: I'm not shredding Wanda's ticket. Davis: What? I didn't even think of that. But it's a good idea. Karen: No, and you still have a little bit of bribe on your shirt there. Hank: Oh here, please young lady, take my seat. Brent: Yeah, thanks. Hank: Get it? Your a girl because you lost to Lacey which is something a little girl would do. Lacey: Don't be so insulting. Brent: Thank you. Lacey: He's just a little girl who lost to me, woo-hoo! Brent: Yeah, very mature. Could I just order please? Lacey: Of course. Today this special is the ladies platter and that comes with a side of woo-hoo-hoo! Brent: I'll pass. I'll just have a chili cheese dog please. Hank: I'll have what she's having. Oscar (phone): Hello? Lloyd (phone): Hi, is Emma there? Oscar (phone): No, she's out somewhere. Lloyd (phone): Just tell her that Lloyd from the bed shop called and I have an amazing deal on some matching end tables for her new bed. Oscar (phone): Did you say Lloyd? Wanda: That's it? She won't budge? Davis: She's not as flexible as I am. Wanda: You sucked a pancake full of eggs outta me under false pretences. That's extortion. As someone who bribes, I should know. Davis: And as someone who accepts bribes, I understand. Wanda: You took my innocent little bribe and turned it into something sleazy. Davis: Don't worry. Karen's bound to slip up sooner or later and when she does, someone will probably tell us about it. Wanda: Or, we could be there when it happens. Davis: Ooo, that's a good idea too. Lacey: Hey Brent, I can't find my nail polish, can I borrow yours? Brent: That's kinda of long way to come for such a lame joke. Lacey: Yeah, well, it's kinda slow over there. Hank: Yeah Brent, relax, don't get your knickers in a knot. Lacey: Boys wear knickers. Hank: Yeah but, Brent's would probably be pink and girly. Brent: OK, you know what? I challenge both of you to a rematch. I'll kick both your sorry butts, or arses, and then you can both clam up because you'll see, I have game. Brent: Dammit! I swear, I used to have game. Hank: Watch out for the river, there's a river her Brent. Lacey: Don't let the river get into your head. You just ignore the river. Brent: Sorry, what's that? You were saying something about a river? You were gonna cry me a river, was that it? Hank: I was saying there's a... Lacey: Oh shut up Hank. Davis: Patrol car's outta gas, can you fill it up? Karen: That's weird, I just filled it up yesterday. Davis: And while you're there, can you pick up some mouthwash? Wanda (phone): Hello? Davis (phone): The little bird has flown the coop. Wanda (phone): What? Davis (phone): Karen's on her way, and I got her wallet. Brent: Oh yeah, there you go. The old game's coming back. Still, I miss all your hilarious, witty comments. Hank: I'm workin' on it, Lorie Kane. Brent: You mean Lorie Kane, world-class golf champion? Hank: I panicked, you rushed me. Lacey: I prefer to let my game do the talkin'. Brent: Your game just said "you suck." Emma: Hi. What? Is something wrong? Oscar: Lloyd called. Emma: Who's Lloyd? Oscar: You know, Lloyd, from the bed shop. Emma: I wonder what he wanted. Oscar: He was keen to talk to you but we ended up having a little chat. Emma: Yeah, he is cute isn't he? Oscar: What? Emma: Ah, I'm just saying that he's a good-looking guy but I wouldn't dream about him. OK, I dreamt about him but just once. Oscar: I was just gonna say that we had a chat about end tables. Emma: That's what I meant. Soup? Hank: Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Lacey: Cough, cough, cough. Brent: You know, you might want to save your distraction techniques for when I'm actually teeing off. Lacey: I wasn't trying to distract you, I was just clearing my throat. Hank: Yeah, I was just practising my crow sounds. Just hit the ball. Roar! Lacey: Cough, cough, cough. Brent: What the hell are you doing? Hank: I'm doing a bear. I don't know what she's doing. Wanda: OK, that's 40 bucks. Too bad you don't have your wallet. Karen: What? Where's my...hey! How did you know I forgot my wallet? Wanda: I saw it in your eyes, you looked wallet-less. Tell you what. I'm gonna give you free gas and you rip up my ticket. Karen: Or, I could just pay you with this spare money I keep in my boot. Wanda: What are you, a pirate? Davis: Ah-ha! Wanda: No, no, no, no. Davis: Trying to get away with some free gas, were we? Karen: You were going to entrap me, to extort me, to turn a blind eye to the bribery! Real nice guys. Wanda: Ow, police brutality! I'll forget about it if you rip up my ticket. Davis: OK, I'll pay for the ticket. Wanda: I'll pay for lunch. Karen: I'll have the most expensive thing on the menu. Oscar: You Lloyd? Lloyd: Yes I am. Oscar: I'm Oscar Leroy. Stay outta my wife's head! Lloyd: Oscar, we spoke on the phone. I should have known it was you by your strong, intelligent voice. Oscar: I got lamps for the end tables. What are you doing? Emma: This bed has caused us nothing but trouble. I'm sending it back. Oscar: No! If this is about Lloyd, I took care of it. Emma: Are you sure? Oscar: Yep. He's a good guy. He knows a good-looking woman when he sees one. C'mon, let's fire this puppy up. Oh, ha, ha, ha. That's new! Brent: Geez, it's windy. I better hold down my skirt. I don't know whether to putt or paint my nails. Hank: Just finish it. Brent: There are two kinds of people in this world. Girls who lose to me and other girls who lose to me and are actually girls. Lacey: You know, I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you. You're only one stroke ahead of me and you could miss this and I'd win. Brent: Oh, like that's going to happen, Mr. Burrows. Hank: Do it! Brent: Dang, what happened there? I'm never going to sink that in two. Lacey: Woo-hoo! I win, in your face! In both your faces! I win, who-hoo! Wanda: So you lose to Lacey again. That must really get your panties in a bunch. Brent: A little, but it doesn't feel as bad as it sounds. The important thing is Hank lost to Lacey. Hank: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah! Hank (phone): Aaaaaah! Lacey (phone): Hang on Hank, that's my other line. Hello? Brent (phone): That's pretty annoying, isn't it? Oscar: Ah, Emma. That feels nice. Lloyd: So does this sooth-a-pedic mattress. Emma: I still don't understand what changed your mind. Oscar: Stupid fancy doodads. Category:Transcripts